Boundaries Part II

“Boundaries need to be communicated first verbally and then with actions.” (Henry Cloud)

This time around, we’re going to get into the real core of setting boundaries. We’re going to talk about something that applies to EVERY SINGLE relationship we’ll ever have in our life. Let’s talk more about boundaries. What they are, why we need them, how to make ‘em strong, and, most importantly, how to make ‘em stick.

On a broad conceptual level, boundaries are super simple; a boundary is where another person ends, and YOU begin. They’re the rules that we agree upon with other people in a relationship about the nature of that relationship. We make a boundary with every interaction that we have with another person, but most of them are so minor and easily followed, they don’t need to be stated! We try not to get in each other’s spaces, agree not to hurt each other, and to keep to ourselves. It keeps us from bumping into each other in the grocery store aisle or yelling at people we don’t know. It’s what we consider “Common Decency” while out in public spaces. When we interact with people we know, such as friends or professional associates, we have a different set of boundaries. We’re more able to “open up” because the time we spend together is more involved, and more emotionally complex. It’s why we’d feel weird hugging the guy behind the counter at the gas station but are glad to hug friends we haven’t seen in years.

We go even further with romantic relationships, setting rules that allow for more intimate physical contact, and even more emotional vulnerability. We share more of ourselves with the people that we like best, and set down rules (again, mostly unspoken) in regard to what makes us feel respected, appreciated, and safe.

Family relationships are WEBS of boundaries, with rules determined by both cultural influences and traditions through generations! Things like “Let Grandma kiss your cheek” or “Don’t loan that one cousin money” might be boundaries that are privately spoken, but most are just ingrained in us, to the point where we’re not even usually aware of them.

We’ll circle back around to this later, but this bit is important; most of our boundaries are NOT clearly expressed. That’s sometimes… not great. When our boundaries are broken, when one of those “Lines” is crossed, conflict arises. We may feel we are being threatened or ignored, that we’re being manipulated or controlled, taken for granted, disrespected, or even outright rejected. We feel WRONGED, on a deep level, more than just hurt feelings. That pain can lead to feelings of resentment, and the breakdown of relationships.

We carry those painful memories and feelings with us, and until the boundary is repaired, it can make seeing or even thinking about the person who hurt us even MORE painful. It makes us feel sick to consider them. We can be actively angry at the person (read more on anger here), sure, but resentment makes us mourn the fact that the nature of the relationship has changed, and it doesn’t even require the “offender” to be aware of it! Anger hurts us (physically, mentally, emotionally). When we let resentment take hold, it’s shockingly easy for us to punish ourselves for letting ourselves get hurt.

It’s part of our emotional defense system, though. That feeling, the pain? It’s there to protect us. It’s warning us that something is wrong in the relationship, that our needs for autonomy, respect, and consideration are not being met. This pain serves the same basic function as physical pain; when we twist our ankles, the pain is our body’s way of saying, “Hey, don’t do that, don’t bend that way,” and continues as our body tells us to “be gentle with that, it’s healing.” Unfortunately, emotional damage and pain doesn’t tend to heal on its own… we’re required to do work in order to repair broken feelings. We have to examine why we feel what we feel, and then devise strategies on how to either “fix” the relationship… or prepare ourselves to live without it.

Folks, IT IS WORK. We’ve put it in very simple terms here but dealing with someone who breaks your boundaries is often a lifelong struggle. There are very few “rules” that are useful in figuring out the process, because every relationship is unique, and there are always extenuating circumstances. ALWAYS. What works for one relationship may not work for another; people are complex, and so are the emotions that we tie to them.

So… here’s where we start. These Three Rules ARE solid, and we need to keep them in mind.

RULE NUMBER ONE! We can only control ourselves. Ultimately, it is impossible to control another person’s actions. Full Stop. It cannot be done. We can beg, we can plead, we can threaten, we can rage, but we cannot (and should not) control another person. But, when we ARE in control of ourselves, we can also control access to ourselves.

RULE NUMBER TWO! A healthy relationship knows what the boundaries are. If we’re going to understand our boundaries, we have to be able to state them, and NOT just to the other person in the relationship. We need to be able to identify why we feel a boundary has been strained or broken; when we can, we can be explicit and clear when we discuss them.

Finally, RULE NUMBER THREE! Boundaries are only good when they are enforced. If we’re not going to respect our own boundaries, we can’t expect others to respect them more. It’s OUR responsibility to determine what is important in our relationships, and if we draw a line, we need to be ready to back it up. That’s not always easy.

We’re going to be talking more about this in the coming weeks. We’re going to break down each of the rules, and we’re going to really hone in on how to make better, more useful, more effective boundaries.

In the meantime, give this a try; Think about your own boundaries, the rules you’ve never thought you needed to say. Write ‘em down, and make sure they’re clear, that they sense to you. In our next article, we’re going to make ‘em make sense to everyone else!
In case you missed our first article on boundaries, click here to read it:)

“Love yourself enough to set boundaries. Your time and energy are precious and you get to decide how you use them. You teach people how to treat you by deciding what you will and won’t accept.” (Anna Taylor)

“Individuals set boundaries to feel safe, respected, and heard.” (Pamela Cummins)

“Compassionate people ask for what they need. They say no when they need to, and when they say yes, they mean it. They’re compassionate because their boundaries keep them out of resentment.”
(Brené Brown)

 “I help people identify what their existing boundaries are, which are productive and which actually are interfering in their lives. I help clients identify their value systems, set boundaries in line with their values, and support them as they begin to enforce those boundaries, which may be difficult initially.

My clients experience change over time in therapy, not just in understanding where their values and boundaries lie, but in understanding that they can learn to be confident in who they are, what they can do, and to make a plan for success.
My clients tend to see me weekly initially in order to have consistent support and to attain tools needed to live a more peaceful and satisfying life.” - Clifton Fuller”

If you’re ready to begin this healing journey, contact our offices during office hours (Phone 210-970-1511), new clients register online for an initial appointment, or if an existing client, log-in to your client portal to schedule an appointment).