Setting Boundaries (Part 1)
Boundaries:
”Good fences make good neighbors”.
(Robert Frost)
Setting effective boundaries is an important safety & health issue affecting both children and adults. What does it mean to ‘set boundaries? Are you infringing on someone else’s boundary? Is someone overstepping your boundaries? Then we need to talk!
Let’s talk about…Setting Boundaries!
Boundaries for people are what boundaries are for nations. These are the lines that mark between where we begin and where others start. Healthy boundaries define our space, help us feel comfortable, and safe. They help us from feeling threatened or taken advantage of, which prevents us from feeling angry and resentful.
Boundaries are the rules we set for ourselves and for others, such as how close we let people get to us. Everyone's values are different, and when setting boundaries, we can be arbitrary as we want to be. We can change boundaries whenever we want.
Because all people are different, it is impossible for others to know what our boundaries are, which can be really irritating, and sometimes threatening. We do have general rules, we call ‘manners’, but our rules may be broad. These will vary in other cultures or in different regions of our country.
We each need to decide the boundaries we want and declare those boundaries to others. We must communicate just what we are willing to do, and not to do. We must communicate the expectations we have for others, as well. These expectations are up to you, but you cannot expect others to respect what your boundaries are if you do not tell them what your boundaries are.
There are several ways you can effectively communicate your boundaries.
1. Verbally: You can set these expectations verbally: you can say “no”, “stop” or “I will not talk about that”.
Sadly, the words we say are only 7% of any message. 38% of a verbal message is the ‘tone’ of your voice. Tone of voice always is more powerful than the words you say. If the words you say and your tone of voice do not match, people will always believe your tone of voice.
2. Non-verbally:
Even if you get the words and tone right, 55% of any message is how you hold your face and body. Non-verbal communication overpowers anything we say. Look like you mean it! Stand tall, square your shoulders, look directly at the person you are speaking to, and project strength.
You want to appear assertive, but not aggressive. Aggressive behavior invites an aggressive response. You can say, “please” in a determined tone of voice as you look directly at a person. Sometimes the best way to deal with intrusive people is simply to refuse to answer at all. You are not obligated to give others personal information or to discuss things you do not want to discuss. This may seem rude, but we tell our children not to talk to strangers and they do not have to obey the instructions of others who have no legitimate authority over them.
You can post a Do-Not-Disturb sign, turn off your phone, close your door, or turn off the lights. You can shake your head, develop a really good glare, put up your hand (palm turned up & out, which is the universal sign for ‘stop’), simply say nothing when being pressured to do a job or activity you don’t want to do, or you simply can walk away.
Start out small, learn to say no about little things. Start to say, “I won't” instead of “I can’t”. Say you’re busy or have plans; if they ask what your plans are, you’re not obligated to give them any reasons or excuses. Instead say “I will not be able to come”, “I have other things to do”.
Personally, I am always busy. Sometimes I am just busy breathing. But I am always busy.
They are all kinds of boundaries: personal boundaries, professional boundaries, and ethical boundaries.
Many of us agree to codes of conduct when we enter certain professions where we work for employers that have company guidelines. When I worked for the federal government and has a security clearance, I was directed never to discuss confidential information with anyone who did not have a ‘need to know’, regardless of the level of their clearance, and regardless of their status in the organization, period!
Professionals should refuse to do things they are not trained to do. A podiatrist should not treat people for heart conditions, nor should a plumber agree to do a root canal even if he’s cheaper than your dentist! They should say “no” when asked to do things that are unsafe or illegal.
We all need ethical boundaries. Governments set laws determining what legal or illegal is in their jurisdiction, and we are angry at legislators when they don’t honor those laws. We do not take the laws of the United States with us when we visit other nations. We must know and adhere to the laws of the nation we are visiting.
Things are either right or they are wrong. We must decide what is right for us, and what we are not willing to do because we believe it is wrong. Our belief system is basic to the identity of who we are and what we value in life.
Most codes of ethics are based on best practices, or what a competent and reasonable person would do, as well as a need to respect the rights and boundaries of others.
If your best friend asks you to do something wrong, tell them no. If you boyfriend or girlfriend asks you to do something you think, or feel, is wrong, tell them no! If your boss’ son tells you to write a college paper for him, tell him no. It does not matter if it’s a friend, family member, special person you are in a relationship with, or a person in position of power. If it’s wrong, or anything you don’t want to do, tell them no.
Violating our values makes us feel bad about ourselves. We should ‘stand up’ for ourselves, with firmness and resolution. If that is difficult, or we are threatened when we stand up for ourselves, we need to enlist the help of counseling professionals to set boundaries and find solutions, the assistance of law enforcement or the judicial system.
At the end of the day, it is not the boundaries you declare, it is the boundaries you enforce!
You must be willing to defend your boundaries and stand up to others who accidentally or intentionally violate them.
This will take some courage. Be firm and be consistent. Tell people that you refuse to talk to them if they become too loud or become verbally abusive. Tell your supervisor you will not work in a dangerous environment. Tell coworkers that they cannot borrow your stapler without your permission, sit on your desk, or ask you out on dates. If you set a limit, decide ahead of time, what you will do if others cross that line. (Be prepared as eventually someone will cross that line!)
Accept the fact you will be judged by others, no matter what your boundaries are. You may be called “picky”, “prudish”, stubborn, or rude, but it is better than being called a wimp, doormat, or pushover.
Stand up for yourself. You may just find you really like the view.
Personal boundaries
are all individual.
They are also all protective
of each individual person.
It’s not the boundary you declare; it’s the boundary you enforce.
Boundaries can always be moved. In your life, you will find that circumstances, events, new insights, and personal values will cause you to change your boundaries. That’s ok! Boundaries do not have to be set-in-stone, but can be flexible.
“I help people identify what their existing boundaries are, which are productive and which actually are interfering in their lives. I help clients identify their value systems, set boundaries in line with their values, and support them as they begin to enforce those boundaries, which may be difficult initially.
My clients experience change over time in therapy, not just in understanding where their values and boundaries lie, but in understanding that they can learn to be confident in who they are, what they can do, and to make a plan for success.
My clients tend to see me weekly initially in order to have consistent support and to attain tools needed to live a more peaceful and satisfying life.” - Clifton Fuller”
If you’re ready to begin this healing journey, contact our offices during office hours (Phone 210-970-1511), new clients register online for an initial appointment, or if an existing client, log-in to your client portal to schedule an appointment).
