Anger!

If you are personally struggling with anger or know someone else who is having difficulty with this emotion, there are ways to address it and gain control.

Anger may feel like power but what are the true consequences?
What is the purpose of Anger?

Anger is one letter short of Danger.

As we deal with stressful, traumatic, or life-changing events, we often experience very powerful emotions. Some initially experience shock, or a feeling of emotional detachment, to deal with emotions. Some may even experience unexpected bouts of tears at impromptu times when least expected. We may experience pain and our immediate reaction is anger! We may just be so very frustrated that it erupts into sudden anger.

Anger is an emotion, but it is a ‘secondary emotion’ and always follows one (or more) of the following four emotions: 1/Pain, 2/Loss, 3/Fear or 4/Frustration.

One particularly difficult emotion is the feeling of 'powerlessness' or feeling like or being a victim. This feeling may lead to aggression, which turns into physical or verbal attacks of others. It may result in stereotyping or shunning ethnic, religious, or socio-economic groups. It may be expressed in vandalism of property, churches, homes, or businesses.

The 'fight or flight' response, instinctively felt following a trauma, dumps adrenalin into our bodies. The flight aspect of this response makes us feel weak, agitated, helpless, and small. We much prefer the feelings of anger, which make us feel more powerful, more 'in control'. Our muscles become more rigid, our hearts beat faster, our eyes dilate, and our lungs expand. 

Most people prefer to experience aggression rather than anxious thoughts.

Anger turned inward is depression.

Anger turned outward is aggression.  

When we feel anger, if not managed effectively & understood, then a person may seek an outlet for the agitation or 'tension' being felt. That may be a problem because instead of us controlling the anger, suddenly it is the anger controlling us.

Click arrow (at left) for Anger video addressing importance of staying on ‘issue level’ rather than moving to ‘relationship level’ plus tips to identify & control anger.

Anger is a heavy, distracting emotion, causing us to focus myopically (short-sighted focusing).

It affects our hearts, health, minds, families, friends, and yes, even our nation. If left unaddressed, it boils over into domestic violence, abuse, road rage, impulsive reactions, decisions made & later regretted, threats, medical difficulties and hostility.

There are several immediate things we can do: breathe deeply (counting to 10 does work), force yourself to ‘unclench’ your body, hands and teeth (breathing deeply helps us relax) and allows yourself time to think before responding.

It may help to distance yourself in situations that generate repeated anger. This may even mean changing a work environment or job if you find it sets the stage for ongoing anger or ‘triggers to anger’. That is more difficult to do with couples or in families, so conflict resolution skills must be developed in order to strengthen the relationships by learning effective ways to address the anger (pain, loss, frustration or fears).

The Bible has several verses about anger, “Be angry, but do not sin. Do not let the sun go down on your anger”. (Ephesians 4:26). That is important because anger harms us physically (heart attacks, ulcers, difficulty sleeping-which can lead to depression, etc.). “Let every man be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger”. (James 1:19). God says to let go of anger because it hurts you!

We consider children, who bully, do not control anger or have temper tantrums, as immature. Yet many adults react in the same vindictive, temper tantrum throwing way. Adults exerting physical force or those who manipulate others are called abusive. Through their actions, they display unacknowledged feelings of low self-esteem.  They are driven to 'display their power' over others to counteract feeling of worthlessness, helplessness, frustration, or to experience value within themselves. 

“It is a lot easier to be angry with someone than to tell them you’re hurt”. Tom Gates

To deal with anger, 'take a deep breath' and recognize that our bodies are giving us powerful signals.  We must think through feelings and anger (which is the secondary response to fear, loss, pain, or frustration) and accept that we may be individually powerless.  It may be difficult to admit we cannot control everything in life, accept that we may not be able to retaliate or punish others who do not respect us, our values, faith or even our way of life. 

We can learn to express these feelings verbally, but first we must be honest with ourselves and willing to face and address the loss, fear, and frustration. To face a loss, we must accept the truth. We grieve, allow ourselves to feel anger, but also understand we can control, redirect, and USE our feelings constructively instead of reactively. We may have to learn to be strong enough to actually say, and mean it, "I'm sorry for the way I acted and my anger”.

If someone steps on my foot, I may quickly turn around to fight, as an instinctive, protective response. But what if I realize it's my best friend who stepped on my foot? Am I able to control that anger? Certainly. We all do it all the time.

Let's face life's obstacles and trials, being as wise as possible in preventing traumatic situations, or playing into the hands of those who would make us lose control. Redirect powerful feelings of anger into productive actions (helping a family in need, exercising, cleaning the garage!, volunteering at a local crisis shelter, organizing a fund raiser to help others).

When crises occur, as they will, remember anger isn't power, no matter how much it feels like it. Anger only goes so far before it destroys the carrier.

It is vital that individuals learn methods to effectively handle anger when it occurs (as it will in life), but it’s also very important that they also teach their teens and children effective ways to handle anger.  

A pivotal time to teach young children is during the 'terrible twos' when young children are developmentally learning to separate from their mother or primary caregiver.  

Children (or adults) who have attachment disorders will also need help learning how to address impulse control issues related to anger control, identify the 'triggers' that set off explosions of anger, and how to gain control of those feelings.

“Anger is never without a reason…but seldom with a good one.” (Benjamin Franklin)

Please contact our offices if we can help you, a family member, or a friend address the complex issues related to anger & its management. Learning to deal with, and control, anger is positively life changing. You can learn effective ways to control anger! I’m here to help you identify what may be the experiences or reactions that trigger your anger, help you identify a path to address those emotions and learn ways to control anger. I also work with anger management that has been been ordered by the courts.

Clifton Fuller, LCSW, LPC, LMFT
Certified Anger Resolution Therapist