Narcissistic Personality Disorders
“A narcissist paints a picture of themselves as being the victim or innocent in all aspects. They will be offended by the truth. But what is done in the dark will come to light. Time has a way of showing people’s true colors.” (Karla Grimes)
Today, let’s talk about narcissism & NPDs.
Every human is narcissistic to a degree. All have selfish tendencies. But the degree of our narcissism is what determines if we are selfless, normal, somewhat self-centered, or have a serious or even dangerous, malignant personality disorder.
If societies, churches, or families teach success means outsmarting, outperforming, or out-earning others…at any cost…that’s dangerous and creates more extreme, unhealthy behaviors. When societies teach that one must always win, even if it means seriously hurting or harming others, a winner-take-all-at-any-cost attitude, we run into problems.
Sports are the perfect example. We all want to be on teams that win, but if we have to cheat, twist or abuse the rules, or physically hurt others to win, it changes from being a game of hard-fought competition and skills into something destructive, even if the scoreboard says otherwise. If we only reach success by debasing, stomping over others, lying, or cheating in order to win, it shows winning is valued over others or humanity.
Narcissists create surreal worlds full of constant upheaval, distrust, and destruction in order to feel powerful and control others. We must educate ourselves about narcissistic personalities so we can protect ourselves and our families from their damaging impact on our lives, our faith, our societies, and our children.
As a therapist, I refer to narcissists as ‘vampires’ because they emotionally feed on others. Unlike fictional vampires, NPD vampires do exist. Most people do not know about these personality types or disorders until they have been bitten by one, had their life energy drained away, their reality has been redefined by lies or twisted truths, or the person may even become convinced they are going crazy. Yet it is the narcissist who really is the person who is uncharacteristically damaged due to their inability to attach to others in ways that are not self-serving or manipulative.
When some therapists realize they are working with a narcissistic personality, many refer them to other mental health professionals. Why? It may be because they have little experience dealing with a narcissist or honestly don’t think they have the skillset to accept such a personality disorder as a client. It may be because therapists realize how adept NPDs are at lying or twisting reality into their personal vision. NPDs are skilled and often begin to believe their own lies. Knowledgeable therapists recognize any journey counseling with a narcissist, or for a narcissist trying to ‘stop being one’, is extremely difficult and will be a long process.
In my first book about narcissism, written specifically for Christian women (who narcissists often prey upon), I attempted to pull back the curtain to reveal the sources of NPDs’ seductiveness and supposed power and to expose the narcissistic vampires for the insecure people they are. NPDs are like unprotected oysters that build outer shells in order to protect their internal defenseless egos. (Link to info about this book: “Marriage Vampire: Living with a Narcissist”)
A Narcissist seeks self-gratification through an idealized image of self. Vanity, egotistic admiration, inflated self-image, and a desire for constant admiration tend to be characteristics. Narcissists lack empathy or compassion for others and are often so self-absorbed that nothing else matters if it interferes with their image of self or what they want.
Narcissists can become threatening or even dangerous at times. They create their own ideas of who they are, even if it doesn’t match their behaviors (such as telling lies, then saying they didn’t say what they said, or even believing or acting as if they believe their lies). They may say something, but when confronted, will say they never said what listeners heard or simply ignore the truth. They don’t accept responsibility for their behaviors but will place blame at the feet of another person. They always play the role of victim and will try to convince others they are the victim rather than the perpetrator.
Narcissists are especially effective at using the values of a person in order to manipulate them into doing what the NPD wants, even if goes against the other person’s inner value system. They are especially effective at using religious or Biblical verses, twisting the meanings, and pressuring people of faith to do what the NPD wants, even if that person recognizes that the NPD is asking them to believe a lie, ignore reality, or do something against their moral code of conduct. NPDs try to convince others not to trust themselves, their close friends, family, or their support groups but to instead trust only the narcissist.
NPDs will always justify what they are doing, no matter how wrong it is.
NPDs are skilled liars, often even lying to themselves. They were the ‘con Men’ (or women) of old who took delight and often have an instinctive ability to manipulate and deceive others for selfish gain or purposes.
The name “Narcissist” originated from Greek mythology legends, where an extraordinarily handsome young man named Narcissus fell in love with his own image when he saw it reflected in a pool of water. He was so drawn to the image that he could not leave the reflection.
Narcissism, as a pathological self-absorption characteristic, was first identified as a disorder in 1898 by Havelock Ellis and written about in psychological reports, including Freud's ‘On Narcissism’.
The APA (American Psychiatric Association) first listed the classification narcissistic personality disorder in its Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders in 1968 and included the term megalomania.
All people have some self-centeredness or rationalization or may try to avoid accountability for unacceptable behaviors. However, not all people who are selfish, self-centered, or egotistical are narcissists, as everyone has some characteristics of being self-centered or uncaring at times.
The difference is that there are patterns, and extremes of behaviors, that determine the depth of narcissism. When consistent behaviors reflect certain extremes and repeated patterns, it may be a red-flag warning, a signal of the danger for those about to enter or who are already in a relationship with a narcissist.
It’s important to educate ourselves, but also for parents to teach, and protect, their children from a narcissist. It is important to identify potential dangers, navigate traps and manipulations, and build a plan of action, no matter what decisions one makes about their relationships or interactions with a narcissist. You are not the problem. It’s vital to see yourself as God sees you, not as the narcissist tells you that you are.
“It’s so important to remember that you’re not the problem; the narcissist is the problem.
Narcissists make others feel inadequate and off-balance, even, at times, crazy.
They create surreal worlds built on lies and then demand that you accept their version of reality. If you live in the chaotic, fantasy world they create, you’ll end up paying a steep price, and your mental health will be constantly under attack.
The sooner a person learns to identify manipulative behaviors of the NPD, the sooner you can defend yourself against the NPDs disruptive behaviors & lies.” (Clifton Fuller, Author “Marriage Vampire”)
“Narcissists withhold affection to punish you. Withhold attention to get revenge. And withhold an emotional empathetic response to make you feel insecure.” ― (Alice Little)
“No matter how socially skilled an extreme narcissist is, he has a major attachment dysfunction.
The extreme narcissist is frozen in childhood.”
(Samuel Lopez de Victoria)
”We need to know what it is to be human if we are to avoid becoming narcissists.” (Alexander Lowen)
“You must learn to defend yourself against the narcissist. Attacking a narcissist frequently has little value.” (Clifton Fuller)
“A narcissist doesn’t just break your heart; they break your spirit. That’s why it takes so long to heal.” (Author unknown)
“If you want to go from being adored to devalued in the blink of an eye, simply insult the narcissist.” (Kimber Barber)
“Hate is the complement of fear and narcissists like being feared. It imbues them with an intoxicating sensation of omnipotence.” (Sam Vaknin)
“Narcissists fear abandonment. You must force them to respect your boundaries, and the only way to live with them is to have one foot out the door.” (Clifton Fuller)
Clifton Fuller’s book on narcissism, written for Christian women, is available on Amazon in either Kindle or paperback formats. In late September 2023, his second book about the narcissistic personality (written for anyone, all populations) will be published and available on Amazon.
“My clients experience changes over time in therapy, find ways to address complex issues, and begin to understand that they can learn to be confident in who they are, what they can do, and to make a plan for success. Life is about how we recover and heal, which determines how effective we are in addressing life’s ups and downs. We can feel happiness, even if it is a slow process. If you need help addressing issues in your life, please contact my offices to schedule an appointment or to request more information” - Clifton Fuller
Clifton Fuller
LCSW, LPC, LMFT
