Hitting The Wall! (Overcoming Life’s Challenges)
“Obstacles don't have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don't turn around and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it.”
(Michael Jordan)
You know the feeling. That moment when things seem dark, like the color has been stripped away from your world; when either failure or loss tears away plans you’ve made and dreams you envisioned.
Everything that you had been building towards, all of the progress and struggle and sacrifice, everything falls apart, and you’re not sure if there’s a way to pick up the pieces. No matter where you are in your life, whether buying a house, building a career, or trying to relax, there’s the chance you’re going to run into THE WALL.
THE WALL is the limit of our abilities, emotions, patience, or luck. THE WALL is the point where we find that our efforts are not good enough, and where we find our greatest struggles. THE WALL is where we are beaten.
But it doesn’t have to be. Turns out, we climb THE WALL every single day. That’s right. We climb the wall hundreds of times a day. It’s in our head, and we CAN conquer it.
We’re going to talk about some ways to refocus, dust ourselves off, and get over that beast. There isn’t any single, unified approach. There’s no “one-size-fits-all” road to success, even though many self-help books insist there is. But there ARE skills, tactics, and mindsets that we can use to keep ourselves in the fight, no matter what that fight may be.
THE WALL is where we fail, but it must not be where we give up.
The first, and most important step in overcoming an obstacle is to identify the thing that prevents us from achieving our goals, to define the obstacle itself. To do that, we also must have a firm grasp on what our goal is, and the conditions in which we will find satisfaction. We do this kind of evaluation subconsciously all of the time; “I am hungry, I do not have a burger,” for example. The solution to the obstacle is simple and straightforward, in this case. We can hit a drive-thru, or get the pan out and make it ourselves. When the Obstacle becomes more complex, however, we may have to take more time, and put more effort into examining exactly what is hindering our progress.
Now, look… I know, I KNOW. This is basic-level stuff, but the fundamentals are important. We absolutely must be capable of expanding our awareness of the situation before we can dissect and dismantle the obstacle. We have to be able to slow things down, to stop and pay attention, focus, and see where we can improve. This step comes with an important task, which cannot, or MUST NOT be skipped.
We have to figure out if we can win the fight at all, or if we need to.
Ultimately, we cannot overcome everything. Failure is as much a part of the human experience as success, and while it often feels like defeat is a precursor to death, it’s rarely so serious. As we analyze our situation, we may even find that encountering the wall has made us realize our priorities are skewed, need to be adjusted, or the obstacles have actually challenged us to grow or obtain success we would not have otherwise obtained.
Often, our emotions distort our perception, and we place a heightened level of importance on the immediate challenge that might not be necessary, or appropriate. By taking a step back, examining our emotional response, and reframing the problem through a lens of rationality, we might find that the thing that currently confounds us may be out of our control, or something that can be side-stepped entirely.
Save yourself the frustration of climbing THE WALL if you don’t need to AND want to! And, hey, HUGE bonus; If you take the time to determine that you care about the problem you are facing, the next steps become easier, and you can adjust how much you care later down the line.
It’s vital to note: the actions and feelings of other people are NOT under our control. If your rational examination of THE WALL reveals that there is someone else controlling your progress, you’ll have to adjust your strategy. More on that later, but for now, keep a focus on what YOU can accomplish.
Once we’ve figured out what the obstacle is, and that there is something we can do to overcome it, we have to enact the plan.
Whether it’s physical improvement, relationship goals, or learning a new skill, having a course of action that includes intent and commitment is necessary. An added bonus is to simply write it down. In short, you must maintain the idea that YOU CAN DO THIS in your mind at all times, and learn to manage emotions and expectations until that idea becomes a reality, whether it takes a short time or a long time.
Specificity can be extraordinarily helpful in this stage; it’s better to set a plan that includes milestones of performance. It’s HARD to lose 20 pounds or play the guitar like Hendrix, but if our plan is “eat more vegetables and less pie” or “learn how to play a chord this week,” we can break THE WALL into manageable “sections.” The smaller the sections, the easier they are to get over, after all.
OK, we have our plan, our goal, and the all-important realistic and rational appraisal of our own ability. We’re almost there! Now, all we have to do is build our skills and find our flow, and this part can take YEARS! Ideally, in fact, it will take the rest of your life. Ultimately, if we can conquer THE WALL, we will do so by improving ourselves, our communication, our focus, and our habits. Here, if possible, you’ll want to do something that is easy to say, and hard to accomplish; Detach your sense of self-worth from success or failure.
No kidding, this part is difficult. It’s INCREDIBLY counter-intuitive to reaffirm that failure does not make you a bad person.
Naturally, there is a sense of scale to be considered; failure to meet a deadline is less of an indication of your character than, say, failure to remain faithful in a relationship, so this step needs to be performed carefully. If THE WALL you face will affect other people, you need to communicate with them, honestly and openly, before you begin attempting a course of action.
This is essentially your chance to call in a secret weapon. If you can, get help. If THE WALL is too tough to break down on your own, find someone with a jackhammer. If you don’t naturally have the skill set necessary to achieve your goal, getting assistance from someone that does will help you develop new skills more efficiently.
In most cases, the people who can help you have had to do the same thing themselves. For obstacles like physical fitness, this might be a personal trainer, or a gym buddy. For relationship hurdles, we (of course) highly recommend therapy, or at the very least, an honest and open discussion with the people involved in the relationship. If you’re trying to develop new skills, or a new career, get insight from the people who have walked that road before or who have expertise in those areas. They may show you holes in THE WALL that you didn’t see before and help you overcome the wall more quickly or successfully.
Finally, you’re going to want to find a community. NO MATTER WHAT YOUR STRUGGLE IS, YOU NEED COMMUNITY, even if it’s a problem that you can solve yourself.
We are human. We are going to fail, possibly several times, until we succeed, and we ALL hit THE WALL. We need other people, people who understand the struggle, can provide support, and who share the things we value.
Sometimes, we will need encouragement through the harder parts of our personal growth, even if it comes from someone uninvolved in our personal WALL. We need people to celebrate when we finally get over the top, and we need to share what we have learned as well. It is incredibly important that we share the lessons that we have learned with others, in order to lessen the burden of the struggle.
Humans have the most amazing capacity for change and achievement. It may take a ton of time. It might take assistance, organization, or tools. But that’s life and getting over THE WALL is what makes our lives, and our communities, better, stronger, and more capable of supporting each other. In the end, that’s the greatest goal.
Once we hit the top of THE WALL, we can start building bridges. And that’s when we can become advocates to help others get over their walls and find joy in both our and their journeys.
“One who gains strength by overcoming obstacles possesses the only strength which can overcome adversity.”
(Albert Schewitzer)
“The most successful people see adversity not as a stumbling block, but as a stepping-stone to greatness”
(Shawn Archer)
“Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.”
(Hellen Keller)
“My clients experience changes over time in therapy, find ways to address complex issues, and begin to understand that they can learn to be confident in who they are, what they can do, and to make a plan for success. Life is about how we recover and heal that determines how effective we are in addressing life’s ups and downs. We can feel happiness, even if it is a slow process. If you need help doing addressing issues in your life, please contact my offices to schedule an appointment or to request more information” - Clifton Fuller
Clifton Fuller
LCSW, LPC, LMFT
