The Power of Letting Go!
“Holding on is only believing there is a past. Letting go is knowing there is a future.” (Daphne Rose Kingma)
In my counseling practice, I usually encourage people to “hang on,” to address difficult life issues when they feel overwhelmed or hopeless. I help them find ways to continue to endure in circumstances when they feel like they can’t go on. It’s a vital tool to manage life, most of the time, as humans are remarkably resilient if they have support, encouragement, and a plan to persevere. Hanging on is possible, support and resources are available to withstand even the most difficult times in life.
But today, I want to talk about the flip side of that coin…when our physical, emotional, or mental health would improve if we instead “let go” of things, relationships, toxic thinking, or negative self-talk. Sounds easy, right? Sometimes it is very easy; at other times, it’s difficult. But what we discover along the way is that as we let go of things complicating our lives, we actually begin to feel more powerful. We begin to have more control. As we let go of more things, the more powerful we become, as we slowly, but surely, begin to declutter our lives and our thinking and our relationships. Just like when we declutter a drawer, room, or house, those letting go (decluttering) steps and efforts suddenly give us more space to live and breathe, mentally, emotionally, and physically.
Whether it’s a bad habit, a compulsion, or a bad relationship, there is always something in our lives that makes us feel powerless. It may be subtle, especially for those with enough confidence to generally feel in control of things, but (in my personal experience) almost everyone has something that they want to change, but feel like they can’t. The list is endless, but the methods I’ll be discussing are broadly useful, and address a few more specific considerations along the way.
For the purpose of these tips, let’s call the thing we want to let go of… “It.”
Remember, “It” can be anything, whatever is applicable to your situation. Not just habits, but concepts, like guilt, regret, or shame! It can even be resentment or anger (which is a false, and destructive, feeling of power).
Before anything else, if “It” is something that endangers your health and safety, such as a relationship that is abusive, an addiction, or self-destructive urges, call for help and do it now. Contact someone you trust, or get help through the resources linked below.
If your “It” isn’t an emergency, we can go a little slower to obtain long-lasting results.
Do what you can to minimize the chance of temptation. The very first step towards letting go is resolving NOT to pick “It” up again. A smoker can’t quit unless they want to, because cigarettes are everywhere, and if they want one, it’s not too hard to get. The difficulty comes in determining to let go of “It”... and leave “It” where it is.
If possible, remove the things that enable your “It” from the immediate environment, do that first. Remove candy in your desk drawer if you’re trying to lose weight or toss out those chips in your pantry if you impulsively grab a bag whenever you want a snack. Throw away any cigarettes in your home, car, or office and let friends who smoke know you’re quitting and ask them to help you keep from smoking when around them.
Our ability to control our environment may be limited (the quitting smoker can’t keep cigarettes out of gas stations) so it’s more useful to control our behavior instead. That is TOUGH, but people are stronger than they realize. I won’t pretend change is easy. It isn’t. But when we hold on to things that limit or harm our well being, it’s usually because of a sense of comfort, insecurity, control, or stability.
Using the example of our would-be former smoker, every cigarette could, emotionally, represent a moment to themselves away from work, or a time with friends. Getting rid of the actual chemical dependency on nicotine is easy compared to losing that sense of self-reward. The same holds true for more mundane things; If your “It” is “stuff,” for instance, if your stack of unread books is getting in the way of your life or your apartment is filled with appliances that never see use, it’s OK to let that stuff go. If you’ve lost space for living in your home due to the piles of clothes on the floor or unwashed dishes in the sink, those items are negatively controlling you and making your life less rewarding or happy. Letting go of unnecessary things frees us up to have more personal and family time, achieve more, and relax more. And ‘letting go” is catching! You’ll also find that as you begin to let go of things, suddenly, it is easier to let go of more things more easily, to. Once you’ve taken control of your sense of attachment to the thing you’re letting go, it becomes easier the next time.
It’s important, and reassuring, to remember that we’re doing this because the change is what we want and to reaffirm ourselves at every opportunity. Just as we can't realistically control the environment around us, we also can't realistically control another person's actions or emotions. The only thing we can control is ourselves.
The next step, after deciding that we don’t need “It” any more, is to find something better to do. If we replace “bad” actions with “good” actions, we can literally rewire our brains to give us that sense of reward again. Instead of the soda, we drink a glass of water, and… yeah, it may not taste as good initially. It doesn’t fizz, it’s not as fun, but “It” is not in control, and we want to let “It” go. We have to train our minds to derive as much pleasure from “resisting temptation” as we did from indulging. An added plus is that if we approach change with a positive attitude, we are much more likely to accomplish our goals and obtain permanent positive changes in life.
Give yourself grace, and go slow. You can’t change overnight, and with a few exceptions, you don’t want to. Sudden changes can be jarring, destructive, or even harmful. If you want to get stronger, don’t load up the bar with weight for your first bench press! In the process of replacing our actions and modifying our behavior, it’s incredibly useful to make a plan and stick to it no matter what. Plan realistic goals, and remember, the goal is consistency, rather than perfection. Sometimes consistent baby steps are more effective than one major overhaul, which can become overwhelming and open opportunity to resist the needed change. For others, tackling a change wholeheartedly works best as some people stick determinedly to a project until it is completed. Know yourself and use what works best for you!
If you fail or aren’t successful in your first attempt, pick “It” up, take a breath, Let “It” go again, and get back on the plan. You’re human. Don’t beat yourself up; just resolve to do better. Improvement is a process, and part of that process is always, ALWAYS learning how to contend with failure and turn failures around into success. Observe and analyze what went wrong, make adjustments, remind yourself that you are making a positive change in your life, and try again.
Find support! While, ultimately, letting go of “It” is something that YOU decide, plan, and execute, it’s important to have people to help you through the harder parts. Find the people who understand why you want to let “It” go. If you can find a workout buddy, it’s easier to remain consistent through the toughest parts, and having someone cheering you on feels great. If you are trying to declutter your home, work with a friend, read online articles or books to give you ideas and motivate you to declutter and organize, or hire a professional to help you achieve your goals. If you are attempting to let go of things mentally, seek help from a support group, professional counselor, or someone who has achieved what you are trying to accomplish. We all have resources available to us! Use them!
It’s important to celebrate your successes, even if they seem minor! Every time a former smoker leaves the store without a pack in their pocket, they’ve won. Every time our broken heart forgives itself for the past, we’ve won. Even if the celebration is small, take pride in your progress, and enjoy the freedom from “It”! Developing an attitude of gratitude lightens our hearts and minds and lifts a burden from our lives.
Resources:
National Domestic Violence Hotline: https://www.thehotline.org 800.799.SAFE (7233)
Suicide and Crisis Lifeline: Simply dial: 988
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration Helpline: https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline
Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/your-emotional-meter/202306/deciding-to-let-go
Zen Habits: https://zenhabits.net/letting-go/
HealthLine: https://www.healthline.com/health/how-to-let-go#Tips-for-letting-go
“I counsel those addressing mental health or family issues, which carry a diagnosis, and insurance covers, as a Texas licensed counselor (LPC), social worker (LCSW), and a marriage and family therapist (LMFT). I am also a certified Life Coach and work with clients worldwide to attain personal or work-related goals. For Counseling or Coaching, click here. ” -Clifton Fuller
Read: “The Difference between Counseling and Life Coaching” Here.
Order “The Marriage Vampire” (from Amazon. Re: Narcissistic personalities.)
For more information about Clifton Fuller’s experience, click here.
For more information about services provided, click here.
Clifton Fuller
LCSW, LPC, LMFT
