Bullying
“Teaching prejudice to a child is itself a form of bullying. You've got to be taught to hate.”
(Roger Ebert)
Bullying is an issue affecting both children and adults. Have you been bullied, or do you have behaviors that bully others? Then we need to talk!
Today, let’s talk about…Bullying!
Bullying (bully) is described as: abuse & mistreatment of someone vulnerable by someone stronger, more powerful; prone to or characterized by overbearing mistreatment, domination of others.
(Merriam Webster Dictionary)
Bullying
Bullying is intentional, repetitive behavior that hurts, harms, or humiliates another person, either physically of emotionally. Bullying can occur in person (physically), cyber (online) or via media systems.
Those who bully have, or believe they have, more power, physically & socially, over people they target.
Even though we all think that as people mature, they’d outgrow childish or selfish behaviors, that isn’t the case with a bully. Adult bullies are difficult to address, as they often have set patterns, little or no empathy, may be in ‘positions of power’ or even enjoy the ‘thrill’ they receive from bullying.
It may be necessary to seek professional help in dealing with bullies. It may also be necessary to document activities of a bully, in order to later engage the legal system if the bullying has a major, or threatening, impact in your life.
Tell me more about the bully:
1/Having physical power can be easy to understand. The bigger, stronger child threatens, hurts, or humiliates the smaller, weaker child who cannot hope to stop them.
2/Those with more social power have higher status than the victim, such as a popular child belittling a child of lower status, such as children who are poor, not as attractive, disabled, stutter, have learning disabilities, have physical impairments or ‘look different’, are other races, are ‘different’ in any way or manner, or ‘not as smart’, etc.
It may even be a child who is jealous of another child and wants to ‘tear them down’ in order to make themselves feel stronger or better than the other person.
3/There are several types of bullying.
—Physical bullying is overt and direct (hitting, attacking or pushing someone around physically)
—Emotional bullying is more covert (starting rumors, excluding or mocking others or name calling).
I was bullied as a child. I was called ‘Four Eyes’ until I was called ‘Fat Boy’, repeatedly and often. I was dyslexic back in the days when it was called ‘being stupid’, rather than a learning disability. I was able, over time, to address the issues, but as a child, it was really tough. (I eventually had eye surgery, got into sports, lost weight, learned to read and discovered along the way that I had strengths brought on by the things I’d faced that others didn’t necessarily have. My experiences with bullying also made me realize I could help others who were being bullied, as I understood how it felt).
There are narcissistic, impulsive, physical and verbal bullies, as well as ‘enabler secondary bullies’ (someone who joins in with the bully to gain esteem…or to prevent himself/herself from being victim of the bully themselves)
“The only power a clique has is the ability to determine who gets included…and who they can exclude.” - Clifton Fuller
4/ Bullies bully people because they can. Some are jealous. Some were victims of being bullied themselves. Some are simply more aggressive. Most are poorly socialized and were not taught appropriate behaviors. Some have even been taught by parents that to be tough, you must show your own strength and push others around for dominance.
It really doesn’t matter why…the fact is that bullying is a behavioral sign of the powerful taking advantage of someone they consider weaker.
5/Bullying is not an occasional rude remark. Bullying is “Targeted Harassment” of any person for any reason.
6/Bullying is difficult to control. Rules can be made, but victims may be powerless to stop the abuse, even if rules are in place. If they could, they wouldn’t be victims in the first place. Bullies like ‘breaking the rules’ and getting away with their meanness, as they believe it further shows their strength to everyone. Some bullies are psychopathic (social rules don’t mean anything to them at all) or are actually very insecure people themselves. It is only by demonstrating their power over others that they can feel powerful…even if for a very limited time. And then they have to bully again and again, in order to continue to ‘feed that need’ to feel powerful or secure.
7/Adults are also often bullied, as bullying is a power issue. Even as adults, this can occur in the workplace, at home, in a nation, in a community or any other group. It can occur physically, socially and online. Adults can be bullied just as children are.
I was bullied quite a lot
…growing up in a Peking Opera School. I allowed myself to be bullied because I was scared & didn’t know how to defend myself. I was bullied until I prevented a new student from being bullied. By standing up for him, I learned to stand up for myself.”
Jackie Chan
(Actor, Martial Arts Expert)
What can be done to stop bullying?
Bystanders can step in, even if they fear becoming the target themselves. That takes a lot of bravery. For that reason, they must be encouraged to stick together, to act as a unified group, and to defend one another.
All children must be taught to identify bullies, what are acceptable boundaries in behaviors, and specific methods to stop bullying.
Parents must become involved and educate their children how to act appropriately (to keep from being a bully) as well as teach their children how to react if being bullied.
Teachers, coaches and school officials need to spot bullies and remove them from the community of children if the bully continues to emotionally or physically harm others.
Those who have social standing or are considered respected leaders can take a stand, letting others know bullying is unacceptable. If a bully senses someone with more ‘clout’ than they have is in power, they may back down or discontinue their attacks.
Children and adults can learn tools to help them gain confidence and learn more effective methods to withstand attacks of bullies.
There are laws about sexual, racial, and religious harassment. Most large corporations have rules about a hostile work environment. But like children, adults who are bullied are often so intimidated, it’s difficult for them to ask for help.
Bullies must be identified, sanctioned and educated on how to interact appropriately with others…or removed from the workplace, school or other groups.
It may even be necessary to take legal action.
Seek competent help from professionals (counselors, police, attorneys, etc.) who can provide assistance and resources.
Bullies are insecure.
“I realized that bullying never has to do with you.
It's the bully who's insecure.”
― Shay Mitchell
What are the results of being bullied?
Victims can suffer from anxiety, depression, low self-esteem. Some have been so humiliated, or attacked so often, that they feel hopeless and have taken their own lives to escape the torment of the bully.
States have passed laws to make cyber (online) bullying illegal, but these laws are difficult to enforce. There are also laws that were established with the goal to prevent violence, sexual abuse or aggressive behaviors.
We must understand that we have a responsibility to all act together to stop this behavior as quickly as we spot it.
We must educate ourselves, and encourage others to also educate themselves, about the dangers of bullying as abusive.
Parents must work with their schools and other parents to demand a safe place for children to interact.
Report bullying to authorities for additional help and resources. If cyber bullying is occurring, contact the FBI. If physical or cyber bullying is occurring, contact local law enforcement agencies for help.
“Unless and until our society recognizes cyber bullying for what it is, the suffering of thousands of silent victims will continue.”
(Anna Marie Chavez)
Most children have been bullied for an extended period of time before they report it to adults, due to embarrassment, or due to threats of a bully.
Get involved! It will make a difference! Check out “Stand for the Silent” and the “Stomp Out Bullying!” websites!
“I help people who are being abused or bullied by others, whether it is a spouse, parent, child, co-worker, boss, or another person. My clients experience change over time in therapy, not just in learning to establish and maintain strong boundaries, recognize their personal strengths, abilities and options, but also to understand how insecure bullies really are and why they feel the need to hurt others. I teach my clients how to be confident in who they are, what they can do, and how to make a plan for success. My clients tend to see me weekly initially in order to have consistent support and to attain tools needed to make life-long changes. You never have to continue to be bullied.” - Clifton Fuller
Additional Resources: Check out these additions websites, information sites and research centers.
“Stand for the Silent” (Anti-bullying site with events and education)
“Stomp Out Bullying!” (Proactive anti-bullying site with events, special speakers and support)
Princess Diana Award (An effort from England to educate and prevent bullying, while honoring Princess Diana, who was a stanch supporter of respect for others not like ourselves)
Pink Shirt Day (British Columbia anti-bullying day)
Stop Bullying (U.S. government site to address and prevent bullying)
Olweus educational program (bullying prevention curriculum and educational program for schools)
GAB (Generations Against Bullying, curriculums and information for schools and parents)
Center for Aggressive Behavior (community or school apps program & training)
Cyberbullying Research Center (Important information on research for increasing cyberbullying worldwide. Also provide report which in a downloadable pdf)
Net Family News (current research on tween cyber and other bullying)
Northern Irelands, UK, Stop Bullying website (education, blogs, resources)
If you need help addressing bullying, please contact our offices during office hours (Phone 210-970-1511) or if you’d like to schedule an appointment: new clients register online for an initial appointment, or if an existing client, log-in to your client portal to schedule an appointment).
