Domestic & Emotional Violence
1 in 4 women and
1 in 7 men…
will experience severe physical violence by an intimate partner in their lifetime.
(CDC, 2017)
When violence occurs, it is always a power and control issue. If experiencing domestic violence, then we need to talk!
Today, let’s talk about…Domestic Violence!
Domestic Violence is described as: “violent or abusive behavior directed by one family or household member against another” (Merriam Webster Dictionary)
A child of domestic violence
Domestic violence always has a component of physical aggression.
Emotional abuse is always present in cases of domestic violence, however, some people experience emotional abuse without experiencing domestic or physical violence.
Even though we will discuss other types of abuse on this website, such as rape or sexual assault, financial abuse, child abuse, elderly abuse, spousal abuse, and stalking, this article is focused on domestic violence (physical violence against a family member).
Oftentimes domestic violence is intensified by sources outside the family, yet the anger, control, and frustration are directed toward the family, or toward a specific member of the family. As with a bully (or being bullied), the oppressor attacks those perceived to be most vulnerable, controllable, or who can be ‘hurt’ the most in the family.
Some triggers to domestic violence include drug use, alcohol abuse, financial stressors, loss of job or status, anger over other issues, depression, lack of communication between individuals involved, lack of caring about how the other feels, or simply because someone has ‘crossed’ another person or when one did not ‘give in’ to the other’s demands.
Oftentimes we think of domestic abuse as spouse against spouse, but that is not always the case. Even though the aggressive actions may be directed at a spouse or partner, it also can be directed at children, a parent, or others within the household.
I am a child of domestic violence. My father was in the Army, won multiple awards for his bravery, and came back home from WW-II with ‘shell shock’ or what we now call PTSD. He returned from the war ‘looking for a fight’ with anyone, inside or outside, the family. I recall many times when he’d come home from a bar, beat-up, bloodied, drunk and smiling as he told stories of how he agitated others until they got into a fight with him. (It is one of the reasons I do not drink, as I witnessed firsthand how alcohol decreased his control and reactions, while increasing his violence. My dad was not the ‘happy drunk’ we portrayed in comedy parodies, but was instead a very violent man who would slap you across the face as easily as he would pick up a TV control).
I am the 5th of 7 children. We grew up in poverty, due to my father’s alcoholism, his violence, and his increasing inability to hold down a job as he wrestled with the demons of war in his mind. My mother tried to pick up the slack, often working multiple jobs, leaving us younger kids in the care of ill-equipped, and certainly not trained, older siblings forced by necessity to assume a parental role. If it had not been for the help of my mother’s siblings, who often hid us in their homes (and were terrified of my father’s violence when he’d try to find out where we were hidden), we would not have survived.
My mother loved my father…at least the man he was when he wasn’t drinking or violent. He was funny, clever, and strong at those times. But he would change in the blink of an eye from that friendly Dr. Jekyll to a highly dangerous Mr. Hyde. As a longshoreman, he was muscular and strong. My mother attempted to leave my father many, many times before she was able to do so. After one especially intense fight, she literally called the police, rounded up all 7 of us kids (ranging in age from an infant to a 15 year old son) and walked down the road to safety…with nothing but us kids in tow. She knew that in order to protect her children, she had to protect them from their own father. My mother divorced my dad, something that went against her Christian value system, but something she knew she had to do in order to protect us.
We lived with an aunt and uncle about a year, then due to financial situations, two of us (my oldest sister and I) were sent to live at a children’s home. I was in fifth grade. My older sister was a high school sophomore. My mother joined us later, as an employee of the children’s home, and it was only when I was a junior in high school that I was able to again live with my mother. My mother continued to live in terror that my dad would ‘suddenly show up’ even though we lived about 5 hours away. We all lived with that tension. As adults, we all also had to learn to address the physical abuse and violence of our childhood, and we did, but each in very different ways.
It was only when my dad died that I felt safe. The anger I’d felt for many years continued, even after the times I’d witnessed, and felt firsthand, the abuse of my father toward my mother and all of us in the family. I had to address that anger and it was that process that made me decide I would not live my life under the shadows, anger, and fear of what domestic violence had done to my mother, my siblings and me. I would consciously choose a different life. I would choose to become as informed as I could, seek education that allowed me to move forward securely, and learns ways to make different decisions as to how I would treat my own wife, children and others in my family.
My childhood of violence also prompted me to obtain a psychology degree, as I wanted to understand my own childhood better, mind and emotion connections, and how expectations and life experiences can be managed to build greater happiness in life. I wanted to study marriage and family therapy because I wanted to understand how families and individuals impact each other and I needed to understand patterns in personalities, what could be changed and what could not. I wanted to be able to move forward, have a happy life with my own wife, raise my own children, and also help others who are seeking to break cycles of abuse or family patterns.
I realized it doesn’t always matter the hand life deals you. What matters is how you move forward to change your life into the life you want, how you connect to support networks, and the steps you have to take to move forward and break away from the weight of the past.
Types of domestic violence.
Abuse against spouse or those in a partner relationship.
Abuse of parent against a child.
Abuse of child against a parent.
Sibling abuse against another sibling (child abusing another child)
Abuse of elderly (by family member or caregiver)
Abuse of anyone living in a household against another member of the household.
How to deal with domestic violence:
Eighty (80%) of conflicts in relationships are due to poor communication. The best way to avoid conflict is to communicate clearly and effectively.
There are 3 levels of communication:
1. “Issue level”
The Issue Level is characterized by “I” statements, while remaining focused on the subject under discussion. On the issue level, you win a conflict like you’d win a debate, based on the merits of your position. The problem arises when people do not agree on the issue level. Oftentimes, that disagreement may escalate to the 2nd level, which is the “personal level”. In our culture, we tend to abandon the issue level and jump to the personal level fairly quickly. Sometimes if we remain on the issue level, we may compromise or ‘take turns’. (“I’ll go with you to eat tonight at the restaurant you want if you’ll order pizza and watch a movie with me next time.”)
2. “Personal Level”. On the personal level, we attack the person, not the issue. It is characterized by “you statements” (“You always….”, “You never…”) and name-calling. We tend to become louder and to appear more threatening (such as stiffness in facial expressions and body language, setting our jaw, clenching fist, straightening up to look more erect or bigger, etc.). On the personal level, one person wins when their opponent cannot ‘answer the bell’ or ‘throws in the towel’, such as one boxer beating another, or when the other gives up. However, domestic violence occurs when your opponent doesn’t give in easily and a partner jumps to the relationship level.3. “Relationship Level”. This level is coercion, typified by “if-then” statements. “IF you don’t stop, then I’m going to hit you” or “IF you don’t do what I say, then I will make you regret it!” “IF you don’t do what I want, then I’ll kill you.” At this level, one partner tries to force the other to do what the other partner is unwilling to do. This typically proceeds physical violence, throwing objects, breaking or damaging things…or other people.
You cannot resolve any conflict once you leave the issue level!
You cannot convince me that your suggestion is better than mine by calling me ‘stupid!’ (or other names) or threatening to break my arm.If your partner will not stay on the issue, do NOT escalate the situation!
Tell them you can see they are upset, you are aware they are frustrated, you should both take a break and talk about it later when both of you have calmed down and can focus on the issue.No one should ever be belittled, threatened or coerced.
No one has the right to put their hands on you. We call that ‘setting boundaries’ and it is a vital part of prevent domestic violence. (“Setting Boundaries” article will be appearing on this website soon)
I never ask a person to live with the threat of being physically harmed. If you are hurt or threatened, immediately call the police!
No person should live under the threat of violence.
If you believe your situation is escalating to a domestic violence point, put an escape plan together (who to call, where to go, and what you’ll need to be physically safe. Resources to do so are listed below).
Let others know! A real danger is when an abuser threatens an adult or a child to ‘not tell’ or they will be harmed or killed. Tell your children that is never ok, and if someone tells them that, to immediately tell another adult (not a peer), a teacher, or their parent of that threat. That’s the reason it’s so important to make a plan (& professionals or battered women’s shelters know exactly what it needed in these situations).
In order to protect children, oftentimes a parent must make a plan secretively. Some abusers will threaten children in an attempt to monitor or find out what their partner is planning. Sometimes it is important to keep those plans of action between you and your support network without your children’s knowledge, unless those children are older and will not disclose confidential plans to the abuser.
Online groups may offer support, but be aware that many abusers are also skilled at tracking online activities. (A link below on tech safety) is excellent information. It may even mean that you don’t use your own computer or phone, but instead use a friend’s, a library computer, or another source to seek online help or resources.
Keep emergency numbers in your phone (fire, police, battered women’s shelter, others who will serve as your emergency contacts, etc.)
“The more that we choose not to talk about domestic violence, the more we shy away from the issue, the more we lose.
(Russell Wilson)
What to know about domestic violence:
Recognize domestic violence is not your fault and you are not alone!
19% of domestic violence involves a gun. Presence of a gun in a violent household increases likelihood of a homicide in the family by 500%.
20,000 calls are placed every day to domestic violence hotlines for help.
Financial abuse is involved in 98% of domestic abuse cases. (Many community organizations and churches offer free ‘financial freedom classes’ as part of their outreach to help families experiencing domestic violence)
Every 73 seconds, an American is sexually assaulted. And every 9 minutes, that victim is a child. (RAINN)
Unless the cycle is broken, the abused may become abusers themselves.
Many abused feel they must live with the shame of what happened to them. They need to know they do not have to live with shame!
Those abused may suffer mental health issues such as depression, addictions, dissociative disorders, anger issues, cutting, self-injury, eating disorders, personality disorders.
Family/domestic violence tends to intensify and increase over time.
Common signs of domestic violence may include indicators such as: verbal cruelty or berating of another person, physical and emotional control, signs of bruising, layers or inappropriate amounts of clothing being worn or heavy make-up (in an attempt to cover bruising or bandages), quick ‘jerks away’ if a sudden movement is made (such as a child may instinctively perceive sudden movements toward them as someone about to hit them), lack of respect (privately and publicly), signs of fear, signs of being overly anxious when abuser is near, trying to ‘fade into the background’ to avoid conflict with abuser, being isolated with limited friends outside of family or relationship.
An abuser is a criminal and should be treated as such.
“This is not love. It is a crime! You can't look the other way just because you have not experienced domestic violence with your own flesh.” (Salma Hayek)
All violence consists in some people forcing others, under threat of suffering or death, to do what they do not want to do.
(Leo Tolstoy)
1 in 3 women suffer from abuse & violence in her lifetime. This is an appalling human rights violation, yet it remains one of the invisible and under-recognized pandemics of our time. (Nicole Kidman)
“No person should ever live in fear of having physical violence directed at them. I work with abused women, men and children in my counseling practice to be able to find strength needed to stand up for themselves, to discover ways to better protect themselves, needed resources, and to be able to move forward to enjoy lives that are safe and happier.” - Clifton Fuller”
Knowledge empowers. Find out as much as possible regarding domestic violence if it is affecting your life. Below are some additional resources and information. Click on Links to be directed to sites. Stay safe! Seek Help!
National Network to End Domestic Violence (Many resources, important info)
National Domestic Violence Hotline & Chat (“The hotline” 800-799-7233)
Family Violence Prevention Services (San Antonio, TX, free legal advice, info)
Healthy Place (lists of places providing services for battered women)
Safe Horizons (info + 24 hr support phone line)
Women’s Law (helps find shelters, has legal resources for abused)
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (data, support line)
Domestic Shelters .org (data, support, shelter, financial assistance, info)
Break the Silence (Helpline 855-BTS-1777, resources, survivors helping survivors)
Tech Safety (Many abusers attack via technology. Find our more).
National Sexual Assault (hotline & resources, 800.656.HOPE (4673))
RAINN: (Laws in each state for protection against sexual assault) (RAINN: Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) 1-800-656-4673
National Hotlines (for immediate help)
National Teen Violence “Love is Respect” (Help & info for teens, 866.331.9474)
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
National Deaf Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-855-812-1001
